Texodus
By Ambassador David L. Carden
The following article is satirical in nature and is intended to question the nature of the relationship between religion and politics in the United States.
Houston: July 3, 2026
Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis were sworn in today as the first President and Vice-President of the Christian States of America (CSA). The creation of the CSA follows the “Texodus vote” when twelve Southern states seceded from the United States. Rupert Murdoch presided over the inauguration as Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade, on bended knees and with heads bowed, formed a human tripod holding the Bible aloft. U.S. Supreme Court Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas acted as ceremonial celebrants, giving weight to the rumor they will join the new nation’s highest court. All the men wore black. Ainsley wore the traditional white.
The ceremony was held on the steps of the CSA’s new capital city, Houston, beneath a fluttering flag that some observers commented is reminiscent of the Confederacy’s “Stars and Bars.” The new nation’s flag has a red field emblazoned with a blue cross bordered in white and festooned with twelve stars, one for each of the new nation’s member states. In an unexpected development that thrilled the crowd, CSA President Abbott walked unaided to the lectern thanks to an implant developed by Dutch scientists. Some in attendance wept, believing they were witnessing a miracle. The real explanation was not provided.
The Texodus vote followed the U.S. Supreme Court’s unprecedented ruling in Florida v. The United States, in which the Supreme Court overruled its 1925 decision in New York v. Gitlow. In Gitlow, the Supreme Court found that the Fourteenth Amendment requires states to adhere to the First Amendment. But Justice Alito, writing for the majority in Florida, noted that when the First Amendment was ratified in 1791, multiple states already had Christianity as their official religion. Thus, he reasoned, the First Amendment did not make it illegal for states to do so, a “reality” that the Fourteenth Amendment could not change.
In dissent, Justice Sonia Sotomayor observed that the Fourteenth Amendment superseded all that came before it, as amendments are intended to do. But Justice Alito mocked her reasoning as “just more Lockian legerdemain.” No one knows for sure what the Justice meant, and clarification is unlikely given his new habit of speaking only in Latin epigrams. However, experienced Supreme Court observers have interpreted the phrase to mean the justice was rejecting the fundamental tenets of the Enlightenment, which led to the separation of church and state.
Following the Florida ruling, twelve states previously part of the United States established Christianity as their official religion. Each recognizes only two genders and has banned all sexual practices other than heterosexuality. Several also require that only the missionary position be employed. Each state also requires their citizens to tithe, bars non-Christians from public office, punishes violations of the Ten Commandments with a mandatory sentence of forty years, punishes the use of any birth control other than the rhythm method, and pays bounties to those who report violations. In eight of the twelve states, women cannot work outside the home. Six of the eight require they do all housework in high heels and pearls.
Recognizing a theocratic opportunity when they see it, the Republican-controlled U.S. Congress passed legislation in early 2025 allowing states that established official religions to secede from the United States. President Trump signed the bill into law in the first 100 days of his second term, opening a one-year window for their withdrawal. The window closed on March 30 of this year and was followed by the CSA’s first elections.
At a press conference immediately following his investiture, Abbott enthused, “I’ve always wanted to be a president and for Houston to be a capital of more than oil. It’s an epiphany for me and the city I love.” He went on to promise to serve the new nation as “the president of Tex and Friends” before catching his mistake. One reporter asked Mr. Murdoch if he had licensed Fox News’ intellectual property to Abbott, but the media titan laughed it off, explaining there was no need, as “there’s nothing even vaguely intellectual about ‘Fox and Friends.’”
The new president took a few questions, telling the press it would be the only time he would do so during his tenure, which is lifelong. The first question was whether he was concerned about his ability to provide public services without tax revenues from the non-seceding states, many of which have long been subsidizing their red cousins. For example, 2021 fiscal year data demonstrates that Kentucky received more than USD 2.50 for every federal tax dollar; West Virginia, Mississippi, and Alabama received more than USD 2.00; and Louisiana, Oklahoma, Arkansas, South Carolina, Missouri, and Tennessee received more than USD 1.50. Only one historically reliably red state, Utah, received less than it paid in federal taxes. In contrast, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Washington, New York, California, and New Hampshire all received less than what they contributed.
Abbott answered dismissively, saying “We don’t like taxes down here. People want to make it on their own. They hunt and fish and know how to gather their greens along the highways. So we’ll be cutting all the services people don’t need big government to provide, including education. Home schooling is good enough for us.” When asked about his new constituents’ needs for a twenty-first century education, affordable housing, or quality healthcare, Abbott growled, “The Lord will provide,” before adding, “and if we fall a little short, we can look to Russia. Vladimir is a good Christian. He believes in us and in what we’re doing. His ban on the practices of the LGBT community is a lesson for all who call themselves Christians. He even contributed personally to my campaign.” Reinforcing his point, Abbott said the new nation is planning to open its first embassy in Moscow next week.
Abbott also faced questions on whether the creation of the CSA had weakened the United States’ influence abroad. Citing Leviticus 26, the new president rejected the notion, declaiming, “We shall chase our enemies, and they shall fall before us.” Nor does the new nation’s planned reliance on and export of fossil fuels apparently concern him despite increasing temperatures in each of the twelve states in the new nation. “It’s all a hoax, but even if the apocalypse were coming, we’d be saved. A home has been prepared for us.”
The window to join the new nation has closed. But the question of whether a seceding state can rejoin the United States remains unanswered. Former U.S. President Biden said recently the country should be open to the idea, with exceptions. Asked to clarify, he smiled and said, “Come on, a few states have never pulled their own weight. But we wish the folks who live in them well.” Observers aren’t sure to which states the former president was referring, but Biden did suggest he personally would support reintegrating Florida “if it’s still above mean high tide and Disney World is open for business.” CSA Vice-President DeSantis responded, “The Magic Kingdom’s days in Florida are numbered. We promised the people a ‘Holy Nation and a Kingdom of Priests.’ And they shall have it.”
Later, as the sun was setting for the first time on the born-again nation, Justices Alito and Thomas hosted a private gathering for the CSA’s new president and vice-president at the Dallas home of Morrowbie Crow. Celebrants nibbled on petit fours and drank bourbon far into the night. In accordance with Texas law, there was no dancing, but the crowd thrilled to a flutaphone duet played by Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert. Greene will be joining the new nation’s Committee of Elders. Boebert has promised to remain in the U.S. Congress to “help the CSA” anyway she can.
Near midnight, an overserved Justice Alito stood on a piano bench and received wild cheers when he shouted, “Finally, no more bullshit religions!” With tears streaming down his face, he added, “Now, let’s go to work!”
David L. Carden served as the first resident U.S. ambassador to the Association of Southeast Asian Nations. He is the author of Mapping ASEAN: Achieving Peace, Prosperity, and Sustainability in Southeast Asia and has written for Foreign Policy, Politico, the SAIS Review of International Affairs, the Guardian, the South China Morning Post, and Strategic Review, among others. He also is a mediator and serves on the Board of the Weinstein International Foundation, which promotes the use of mediation around the world.
“Church and State” is by Lee Coursey and is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 DEED.
